Sticks And Stones And Parrots

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me"

Did you ever say this when you were a kid?  I used to chant it at my brother and my school friends in an annoying sing-song which probably made my brother karate chop my shins that much harder, just to shut me up (yeah, I could be an annoying little sister, I'll admit it).  But lately I've been muttering this in my head like mantra, trying to calm myself down so I don't physically harm my sons.  Because man, oh man, their words are driving me insane! 

I'm not entirely sure where Owen and Will picked up these words, but for the past few months their vocabulary has widened to include such gems as "jerk", "stupidhead", "stinkhead" and my all time favorite "buttface".  They've also mastered the art of stringing these words together to form poetic sentences as "I hate you, you stupid jerkface butthead stinky stinkface!" and then accentuating their words by throwing something on the floor or punching someone.  Charming, n'est-ce pas?

Unfortunately, I do not react well to these words.  Particularly when they are aimed at me, or rather spat in my direction by a scowling five year old.  I think I can actually feel myself turning into the Incredible Hulk when I hear them.  My teeth clamp down tightly into a snarling grimace, my blood starts to boil, my eyes narrow into slits, steam comes out of my ears, and I think my hair might start to singe at the tips a little as I erupt into a flaming ball of anger.  Its quite impressive.

Less impressive is the impact my anger has on the kids.  Basically, it has no effect whatsoever.  My "YOU DO NOT SPEAK LIKE THAT TO YOUR MOTHER" shouting-rants, the hauling of boys to their bedrooms, the total loss of any privileges for the rest of their lives?  Its as if I'm in a Charlie Brown cartoon and my words were simply "wanh-wanh-wanh-wanh" sounds in the background.  I occasionally get an eye roll and have even had a few "whatever"s thrown at me.  Can you imagine what that does to me?  Like throwing alcohol onto the flames - whoooooosh!  Spectacular eruption!

We keep doing this same awful dance and nothing is changing.  I'm so very, very tired of it and so sad that we can't seem to work it out. I don't want their enduring memory of childhood to be me glaring at them, but its my automatic facial expression these days.  And frankly, I don't really like the choices they're making behaviour-wise so I feel like I'm not really liking them all that much right now.  Love them?  Sure, of course, they're my sons.  Like them?  Not so much. 

I've considered doing a reward chart to accentuate the positive behaviour, but I'm not sure if this is a good idea or if its something they would get bored with quickly.  Owen wants a snorkel, mask and flippers for the cottage this year, and I'd tried to offer it as a reward for not using rude language for the next couple of weeks, but I realise now it was too abstract a time frame for him, with nothing concrete to mark his success.  I've been googling reward charts to see if there are any templates online that I like, but I came across this on mindfulmum.co.uk and am now debating whether it would be such a good idea after all, especially the part about children comparing each other's successes and failures, because obviously that's something that will happen in our household:

There are a few problems with traditional star charts. They only allow you to reward the specific behaviour you have written on the chart, so if your son forgets to make his bed he doesn’t get a star – even if he picked up all his toys instead. It can also be too easy to focus on the empty squares, pointing out what your child forgot to do. The chart then becomes a negative form of discipline instead of the positive reward you had intended.

If you have more than one child it is tempting to compare them, pointing out who has most stars. Even if you never mention it, the children probably will! Again, the child who has fewer stars can lose confidence and view the chart in a negative light. It is tempting to write things like “be kind to Tommy” which can leave you with a dilemma when your little girl is wonderfully kind for most of the morning but less so later on! Finally, a traditional star chart only lasts a week so every Monday morning the child is back to “square one” with a new chart. This can seem unfair when a child worked hard and only just missed out on a prize, the frustration can make them give up.

I've also struggled with the idea of simply ignoring the behaviour, since its quite clearly a "Hey ma!  Look at me!" move, but its just so hard to ignore.  I feel like they need to know its unacceptable to talk to me, or to each other like that, so ignoring it feels wrong.  And when I do choose to ignore the first stage, like rude words or eye rolling (my tongue is permanently scarred from biting down on it so hard), the boys simple escalate their words and actions until I feel I have no choice but to react, and therefore give them the reaction they were looking for.  But how do you ignore them throwing chairs on the ground, or kicking something until its about to break?  It shocks me how angry they are at times.  What the bleepity-bleep are the teenage years going to look like if we're here at age 5?!  And what on earth are they so angry about anyway?

And I haven't gotten to the worst part of all.  There's a little parrot in the house too.  You know where I'm going with this, don't you?  Last week, driving home from the grocery store, there was a teeny little voice in the back seat muttering "buh-face, buh-face" to herself.  I can still see the mark's on my forehead where I hit it against the steering wheel over and over again.  My darling daughter, my two year old, for pete's sake, is saying "stooopid neanie-head mama!" (that's meanie to the rest of you) when I tell her its time to pick up her toys.  Can I get an "aaaargh"?

Does anyone have any advice for me?  Anyone?  Please?  I really don't want to spend the entire summer yelling at my kids or pulling my hair out. I don't want Elly to start preschool in September with the biggest potty mouth (and yet still not actually potty trained.  Oh the irony!).   I know my anger is setting a bad example for them and the hypocrisy of my own temper tantrums is not lost on me.  I want Will and Owen to grow up to be smart boys who respect their mother and show respect for others. I want my friends to come over and think, "cute kids", not "holy terrors".  

In short, "Help!  Help!  Heeeeeeeeelp!!!"

***
After publishing this post, Mark asked me what I was doing on the computer.  I told him about the post and he said "Maybe you should write something positive on the blog for a change".  I promptly burst into tears and now feel extra guilty for not writing all the nice things they've done recently and for writing that I don't like them right now.  I DO, I do, I just....sigh.  I'm tired.  Its the end of the school year.  We need to get ourselves up to the cottage and change the scenery a bit.  I'm really sorry if its all "woe is me" on the blog lately.  I'll try to be more upbeat in the next postings. 

 I will say though, that I don't regret writing how it really is, because let's face it, we have enough "perfect mother" images out there taunting us when we're struggling.  Just bear with me and if you have any advice, lay it on me, because I would love to hear it, and then next time I post something it will hopefully be to tell you we are in a better place behaviourally.