Solutions?

So the parenting books I've requested came in to the library today and I'm already impressed with one of them that I flipped through at lunchtime - Dr. Riley's Box Of Tricks. 80 Uncommon Solutions For Everyday Parenting Problems.

What I like about the book at first glance is that  he's separated all your garden variety issues like ignoring, yelling, door slamming & stomping, arguing, "sibling combat", and worrying in to their own sections and each section has at least three different ways of dealing with the issue, aimed at different age groups.  Best of all, the ideas are short, concise and each one has a quick guide at the top that says who to use it on, when to employ and what you'll need.

Again, this has been a brief glance over lunch, but when I looked at the Yellers, Screamers, Insulter, Cursers And Those Ever-Loving Little Mumblers section, I liked two of his ideas.  I have no idea if they'll work, but its better than hitting them over the head with a bag of chopped lettuce (which might have been my reaction last week after a day of five year olds screaming abuse at me. On a side note, its quite fascinating how quickly a bag of chopped lettuce can explode when coming into contact with a hard surface like a head and the dispersal range of said lettuce leaves is equally remarkable.)  I've copied them down here for anyone else who's curious:

Trick: DON'T STAND, DON'T STAND, DON'T STAND SO CLOSE TO ME

Use It On: Children between six and fourteen who've taken to yelling at you but are still loveable at heart.
When To Employ: When you're really tired of yelling back, because yelling doesn't work and it makes you feel bad about yourself to boot.
What You'll Need: That sense of humour that we continue to mention and some cough drops.

The next time your child or teen starts to yell at you, go stand very, very close to her.  Do your best not to laugh.  When she asks what you're doing, tell her since she obviously believes you don't hear very well, you'll stand really close so he doesn't have to shout and end up with a sore throat.  Offer her a cough drop and tell her you love her dearly, but you intend to do this every time she pumps up the volume.  Tell her she should be grateful to you for being so concerned about those precious vocal chords of hers.

Trick: MY EARS DON'T WORK TOO WELL

Use It On: Your basically good kid, aged six to ten, who is going through that phase of thinking he can yell mean things at you.

When To Employ: When you're sick and tired of being told off by your little darling after a long day of cooking, cleaning, working at the office, taking kids to soccer practice, helping with homework, etc, etc.  

What You'll Need: The ability to not overreact when your child says something truly mean.  You'll need earplugs, a list of chores you need done, a straight face and a willingness to follow through, even if it ends up hurting a little.

The first thing you're got to learn to do with kids who develop a tendency to shout mean things at you is not to take it personally.  If you can do that, then you can successfully do the second thing, which is to matter-of-factly mention to your child during a calm period that your ears don't seem to be working all that well anymore.  Say you don't understand why, and just leave it at that  Then the next time your child decides to scream something mean at you, simply "misunderstand" what he or she said.

There are two versions of this trick, a "silly" version that works particularly well with young screamers, and a more edgy version you can use with kids eight and up.  The silly version goes like this:

Child: "I hate you!"
You: "I'm sorry, you know my ears just don't work as well as they used to.  It sounded like you just said you have a cucumber in your nose!  That's the strangest thing I've ever heard."
Child: "No! I said I hate you!"
You: "What?  You just said it again.  I can't believe you think you have a cucumber in your nostril!  That's just weird!"

What usually happens when parents use the silly version of My Ears Don't Work Too Well is that sooner or later everyone starts laughing.  This decreases the tension, and over the long run decreases the hurling of insults in your direction because your child can no longer delude herself into thinking she has achieved some sort of victory over you via volume and nastiness.

I'm not going to retype the edgy version of this here, because it is for older kids and wouldn't really work with Will and Owen, but in a nutshell its "misunderstanding" you kids abuse as saying they want to vacuum the floors or some other chore you need doing and you hold them to it or remove privileges for the day.  If you want more info, let me know and I'll email you the full description.

I like the silliness of both of these ideas, but am concerned that it won't work all that well because I've tried silliness before, or laughing off rude behaviour and have been greeted with physical anger on the part of the kids because they're frustrated that their not getting what they want out of me.  So I think what might happen when I try either of these is that I'll end up getting chairs toppled over or toys thrown in anger.  I think I'll try it anyway and then perhaps follow up with something equally silly like "Woah!  Now there's something wrong with my eyes!  I could have sworn I just saw you tip over a moose", or some such thing.

Anyway, I'll no doubt have to implement this afternoon, so I'll follow up and let you know how it goes!  If there are any more gems in this book, I'll keep you posted on those too.

(Thanks for all the support, by the way, much appreciated to know I'm not at this alone!)

Sticks And Stones And Parrots

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me"

Did you ever say this when you were a kid?  I used to chant it at my brother and my school friends in an annoying sing-song which probably made my brother karate chop my shins that much harder, just to shut me up (yeah, I could be an annoying little sister, I'll admit it).  But lately I've been muttering this in my head like mantra, trying to calm myself down so I don't physically harm my sons.  Because man, oh man, their words are driving me insane! 

I'm not entirely sure where Owen and Will picked up these words, but for the past few months their vocabulary has widened to include such gems as "jerk", "stupidhead", "stinkhead" and my all time favorite "buttface".  They've also mastered the art of stringing these words together to form poetic sentences as "I hate you, you stupid jerkface butthead stinky stinkface!" and then accentuating their words by throwing something on the floor or punching someone.  Charming, n'est-ce pas?

Unfortunately, I do not react well to these words.  Particularly when they are aimed at me, or rather spat in my direction by a scowling five year old.  I think I can actually feel myself turning into the Incredible Hulk when I hear them.  My teeth clamp down tightly into a snarling grimace, my blood starts to boil, my eyes narrow into slits, steam comes out of my ears, and I think my hair might start to singe at the tips a little as I erupt into a flaming ball of anger.  Its quite impressive.

Less impressive is the impact my anger has on the kids.  Basically, it has no effect whatsoever.  My "YOU DO NOT SPEAK LIKE THAT TO YOUR MOTHER" shouting-rants, the hauling of boys to their bedrooms, the total loss of any privileges for the rest of their lives?  Its as if I'm in a Charlie Brown cartoon and my words were simply "wanh-wanh-wanh-wanh" sounds in the background.  I occasionally get an eye roll and have even had a few "whatever"s thrown at me.  Can you imagine what that does to me?  Like throwing alcohol onto the flames - whoooooosh!  Spectacular eruption!

We keep doing this same awful dance and nothing is changing.  I'm so very, very tired of it and so sad that we can't seem to work it out. I don't want their enduring memory of childhood to be me glaring at them, but its my automatic facial expression these days.  And frankly, I don't really like the choices they're making behaviour-wise so I feel like I'm not really liking them all that much right now.  Love them?  Sure, of course, they're my sons.  Like them?  Not so much. 

I've considered doing a reward chart to accentuate the positive behaviour, but I'm not sure if this is a good idea or if its something they would get bored with quickly.  Owen wants a snorkel, mask and flippers for the cottage this year, and I'd tried to offer it as a reward for not using rude language for the next couple of weeks, but I realise now it was too abstract a time frame for him, with nothing concrete to mark his success.  I've been googling reward charts to see if there are any templates online that I like, but I came across this on mindfulmum.co.uk and am now debating whether it would be such a good idea after all, especially the part about children comparing each other's successes and failures, because obviously that's something that will happen in our household:

There are a few problems with traditional star charts. They only allow you to reward the specific behaviour you have written on the chart, so if your son forgets to make his bed he doesn’t get a star – even if he picked up all his toys instead. It can also be too easy to focus on the empty squares, pointing out what your child forgot to do. The chart then becomes a negative form of discipline instead of the positive reward you had intended.

If you have more than one child it is tempting to compare them, pointing out who has most stars. Even if you never mention it, the children probably will! Again, the child who has fewer stars can lose confidence and view the chart in a negative light. It is tempting to write things like “be kind to Tommy” which can leave you with a dilemma when your little girl is wonderfully kind for most of the morning but less so later on! Finally, a traditional star chart only lasts a week so every Monday morning the child is back to “square one” with a new chart. This can seem unfair when a child worked hard and only just missed out on a prize, the frustration can make them give up.

I've also struggled with the idea of simply ignoring the behaviour, since its quite clearly a "Hey ma!  Look at me!" move, but its just so hard to ignore.  I feel like they need to know its unacceptable to talk to me, or to each other like that, so ignoring it feels wrong.  And when I do choose to ignore the first stage, like rude words or eye rolling (my tongue is permanently scarred from biting down on it so hard), the boys simple escalate their words and actions until I feel I have no choice but to react, and therefore give them the reaction they were looking for.  But how do you ignore them throwing chairs on the ground, or kicking something until its about to break?  It shocks me how angry they are at times.  What the bleepity-bleep are the teenage years going to look like if we're here at age 5?!  And what on earth are they so angry about anyway?

And I haven't gotten to the worst part of all.  There's a little parrot in the house too.  You know where I'm going with this, don't you?  Last week, driving home from the grocery store, there was a teeny little voice in the back seat muttering "buh-face, buh-face" to herself.  I can still see the mark's on my forehead where I hit it against the steering wheel over and over again.  My darling daughter, my two year old, for pete's sake, is saying "stooopid neanie-head mama!" (that's meanie to the rest of you) when I tell her its time to pick up her toys.  Can I get an "aaaargh"?

Does anyone have any advice for me?  Anyone?  Please?  I really don't want to spend the entire summer yelling at my kids or pulling my hair out. I don't want Elly to start preschool in September with the biggest potty mouth (and yet still not actually potty trained.  Oh the irony!).   I know my anger is setting a bad example for them and the hypocrisy of my own temper tantrums is not lost on me.  I want Will and Owen to grow up to be smart boys who respect their mother and show respect for others. I want my friends to come over and think, "cute kids", not "holy terrors".  

In short, "Help!  Help!  Heeeeeeeeelp!!!"

***
After publishing this post, Mark asked me what I was doing on the computer.  I told him about the post and he said "Maybe you should write something positive on the blog for a change".  I promptly burst into tears and now feel extra guilty for not writing all the nice things they've done recently and for writing that I don't like them right now.  I DO, I do, I just....sigh.  I'm tired.  Its the end of the school year.  We need to get ourselves up to the cottage and change the scenery a bit.  I'm really sorry if its all "woe is me" on the blog lately.  I'll try to be more upbeat in the next postings. 

 I will say though, that I don't regret writing how it really is, because let's face it, we have enough "perfect mother" images out there taunting us when we're struggling.  Just bear with me and if you have any advice, lay it on me, because I would love to hear it, and then next time I post something it will hopefully be to tell you we are in a better place behaviourally. 

Missing My Auntie-Dote

My granny's sister Dorothy passed away today and I felt I had to mark this day with some words.   She was a lovely, lovely lady and I'm missing her very much.

High Tea at Hanbury Manor after school, watching Clarissa together (so scandalous!), the retelling of Gone With The Wind after dark, a visit to St Andrews in my first year, a silly sense of humour, lovely smile and gentle voice.  These are a few of my favorite memories of my wonderful Great Auntie-Dote and I'm holding on to them so tightly today.  

Sending much love to all my family in the UK and in North America.  I know we're all wishing we could be together for a big group hug right now.  Hopefully a virtual hug will do.