I Carry Her On My Left Side

I was driving Elliot to her one year doctor's appointment this morning and turned on the CBC's The Current.  They were interviewing Xinran, a Chinese journalist and novelist who has written extensively about the devastating choices many Chinese mothers have to make due to the country's one-child policy.

As I drove along in the sunshine, with Elly sleeping peacefully in her car seat behind me, I felt overwhelmed with emotion.  Tears fell into my lap as Xinran recounted some of the saddest stories of newborn daughters being tossed aside, like trash, because they were not boys, of daughters being abandoned in the middle of the night, because they were not boys, of mothers drowning their daughters, because they were not boys, of mothers committing suicide, not being able to deal with their actions. 

I looked in the rearview mirror at my beloved daughter.  I remembered how thrilled Mark and I were when she was born, how much I loved her the instant I saw her, how perfect she was.  How on earth could you...my mind couldn't process how those mothers must have felt.  My heart broke for them, for those unwanted girls. 

Xinran went on to talk about adoption in China and how she has spoken with mothers who's families send their daughters away for adoption.  They all ask her, "Do you think the foreigners know how to hold my baby?  Tell the foreign mothers don't hold my baby on the right arm, on the left please because the left side is close to the heart. My baby will feel safe."

Let me always carry my daughter on my left side.  Let her always feel safe and loved.  And wanted.

If you want to listen to the interview, you can go here, or read about Xinran's book Message from an Unknown Chinese Mother: Stories of Loss and Love here and here.